Sex; so powerful that it’s the primary ingredient in advertising.
Sex is everywhere. It’s on billboards, perfume commercials, and music videos. It’s walking down the street in the form of soft, perky cleavage and voluptuous asses. It’s hard to avoid thinking about sex unless you live in a cave. But somehow, people manage to avoid talking about sex, when communication is key to a healthy, uninhibited sexual life and the fulfillment everyone desires.
WHO ARE YOU? Figuring out your sexual orientation, preferences, tendencies, desires, fantasies, likes and dislikes is key to healthy sexuality. Sigmund Freud theorized that most people are sexually repressed; hiding or denying their sexual wants and needs because of a real or implied limitation placed upon them by society. Although this theory hasn’t been proven, Freud also believed that sexual repression causes mental and physical illness. Many of today’s psychologists disagree with Freud’s insights. However, studies have shown that stress and anxiety are the leading causes of disease. Does sexual repression cause stress and anxiety? Yes it does!
- Sexual identity is your public sexual persona. Sexual orientation is who you are behind closed doors.
Sexual orientation can vary over a broad range of possibilites. Most people are familiar with homosexuality, bisexuality, and transexuality, but asexuality, or having no sexual attraction to either gender, receives little publicity. For this reason, many asexual people are living in frustration and confusion, not knowing who they are.
Homosexuality, once taboo, is now accepted, openly acknowledged, and therefore more popular. Understanding your distinct sexual orientation is key to your happiness and healthy sexual life. Although studies show that most adolescents know their sexual orientation, each person is different. It is never too late to get in touch with your true nature. Is it possible that you’ve been wrongly identifying as heterosexual? Can’t stand sex? Are you asexual?
Many people confuse sexual orientation with sexual identity. Millions of people identify themselves as heterosexual, yet they enjoy fantasies or relationships in homosexual contexts. Others have incomplete sexual identities; they lack the experience needed to define what they enjoy. For instance, housewives around the country, after becoming aroused by the sado masochism found in the popular book, Fifty Shades of Grey, are re-evaluating their own sexual identities in light of having “experienced” certain fetishes through the book. As the book’s title implies, not everything is black and white.
After reading Fifty Shades of Grey, many women “realized” they wanted to be spanked.
WHAT DO YOU LIKE? When you ask yourself what you like, make sure to remove all censors. From an early age, human beings are taught to repress sexual desires, so many people, upon becoming sexually free, realize that their lists of desires is basically pg-13; stolen from movie and romance novel images. The best way to determine what you truly like is by spending time with yourself; and not just thinking.
Fantasize. Think of the perfect scenario that instantly turns you on. For some people, it’s a romantic night on the beach. For others, it’s a rape scene in a dark parking lot! Whatever image gets you going, go with it! File it away in your sexual database to excite yourself on demand. Then share it with your partner when you feel comfortable. You never know; your fantasy could come true!
Explore your fantasies in a safe environment.
Masturbation is a very personal aspect of life, that is debated by many people. Too much masturbation can apparently cause problems. But like everything else, in balance, masturbation can be helpful to promoting better sexual experiences and deeper knowledge of your body and mind. Mastubation, performed in private, comes with no insecurity or anxiety. If you’re a seasoned masturbator, you know exactly what to do to please yourself. This knowledge is useful in that it helps you direct your sexual partners toward a pleasurable end result. Pay attention to fantasies and thoughts that stimulate you during masturbation. This will help identify what you like.
Watching pornography or other sexual films can also shed light on what kind of stimulation, fantasies or scenarios excite your body and mind. Studies show that America is the most porn-watching country in the world. Women watch. Men watch. Even teenagers watch porn. In the right hands, pornography is a tool of sexual education that can help enhance your sexual life. Although it can lead to addictions and extra expense, porn, in moderation, can inspire, entertain, and educate.
Pornography is a great resource for stimulation as well as education.
WHAT ARE YOU LEARNING? Talk to your friends about the things they like! Trusted friends can be a good source of information about sex. If Christina already tried the new rabbit toy and loved it, there’s a chance you might also enjoy that model. Likewise, if Brad brags about all his bedroom tricks, what’s the harm in trying some of them yourself? Pay attention to the horror stories you hear in the locker-room at the gym. Don’t repeat the mistakes your friends make.
Reading about sex can help make you more knowledgeable about yourself, your future or present partner, and society in general. Although Cosmopolitan magazine is considered the mainstream authority on sex, there are other, less commercial, less romanticized sources of information. And not every man or woman is the same. Read articles about sexuality whenever possible. You never know where you’ll find a piece of information you can use.
Are you one of the millions of frustrated women who are searching for that elusive first orgasm during intercourse? Some men aren’t aware that the average woman has never had an orgasm during sex. Do some research to find out what’s keeping you or your partner from achieving the pleasure so many enjoy.
Need inspiration? Explore fantasy stories, erotic videos, sexual tutorials and more. Study sex like a horny adolescent and before you know it, you’ll be energized with confidence and ready to reach new heights in the bedroom. You’ll know what you like; and so will anyone who spends time in your bed.
Few people have love marathons in lavish mansions on silk sheets like the characters in romance novels. Don’t expect what you’ve seen on television to happen at home.
Romance novels are great for creating false images of hour-long love-making in the Caribbean breeze. But real life is different. Read something with useful knowledge. See what your favorite sites say about having a great sex life. Find the Karma Sutra and learn how its information may benefit your life. Do everything you can to prepare yourself for an enjoyable sex life; read about how the foods you eat and drink affect your sexuality. Learn what exercises and stretches help keep you in tip-top shape for bedroom play.
Take time to find out who you are, what you want, and how to get it.
WHAT DO YOU NEED? Does your current partner fit the bill? Many times, people engage in relationships without considering sexual compatibility. Is there a genuine physical chemistry between your partner and yourself? If you can barely stand to look at your partner, if he or she makes you angry and you hate to see their face, you’re in the wrong relationship. Do you have a healthy desire to be intimate with your partner?
What would you love for your partner to do? Think of the ideal night. Then discuss it with your partner. Help set the atmosphere to make sure you’re comfortable. Confidence is key.
It’s easier to talk about your fantasies in a non-sexual environment. Discuss your wishes and wants during a stress-free, relaxed time. Too shy? You’ve got to come out of your shell! If nothing else, write your partner a note. Show him or her a video that depicts your favorite type of action. Let him or her know what you want. If your idea is rejected, and you believe you can do better, move on to a new partner and try it with someone else!
Discuss your sexual desires, hangups and/or favorite things in a stress-free environment outside of the bedroom.
Do you need a dark environment to feel sexy? Do you need candlelight or music? Perhaps you’re quite the opposite. If you need sex on the living-room floor on the way to the market, let your partner know. If you’d like to do it in the office bathroom on your lunchbreak, see if your partner’s up for it. Always be willing to communicate your needs. If you don’t they’ll never be met. Sexual partners should be understanding and open to safe, new adventures. If that doesn’t describe your current partner, keep looking!
Sexual trends and topics change over time. From toys to tantric tactics, there’s always someone trying something new. Pleasure parties are becoming more common. People are diving head-first into polyamory and other non-traditional lifestyles. Sexual activities are starting to be more accepted and in some cases, community based! Don’t be the only person who doesn’t capitalize on the new era of increased sexual freedom.
Sex toys are increasing in popularity and becoming less taboo.
WHAT’s HOLDING YOU BACK? Celibacy (abstaining from sex) and monogamy (one sex partner only) are common practices, and many religious people have trouble exploring their sexuality while adhering to these principles. If your religion dictates that you should remain a virgin until marriage, abstain from oral or homosexual sex, and never touch your own private parts for pleasure, then by all means, explore your options within those guidelines. But for those who don’t aim to meet religious standards, the healthiest sexual lives are the ones in which there is no closet, no hidden desires, no condemnation and no guilt.
Most religions adamantly condemn homosexuals, but church leaders are often caught indulging in the pleasures of homosexuality; sometimes with children.
Some people are sexually repressed because of past abuse. If you’ve been physically or sexually abused, regardless of how you think it affected you, it’s an area of your life that required healing before you can enjoy life to the fullest. Whatever your method, whether it’s counseling, prayer, sex therapy or a conversation with a trusted friend, it’s your responsibility to identify your scars, have them treated, and healed. Many people hide their past abuse, never acknowledging it to another soul, and believing that it will go away, and then wonder why they can’t find satisfaction in their intimate relationships. Don’t let the past block you from enjoying a fulfilling sexual life.
Common issues that require healing include rape, sexual abuse, incest, molestation, and more. If you’re hiding an issue of rape, abuse, incest or the like, it’s time to stop hiding. Find someone who you can talk about the issue with. If not, at least research the issue and its consequences. Diagnose yourself! Find a way to get out of the hurt, repressed and guilty place.
Don’t settle for meaningless conquests when you could be missing the mind-blowing intimacy your soul craves.
Many people try to experience earth-shattering sex without covering the basics first. Great sex involves emotionally stable and available people, the perfect physical and psychological setting, and the willingness to experiement with pleasure in a non-judgemental environment. If you think you’re having great sex in the back of your Chevrolet, with Donna, whom you just met last night, you’re missing out.
Meaningless flings shouldn’t even qualify as sex. Orgasm is only part of the experience. Real sex is great from beginning to end, and it usually happens in relationships that are open and free, with very few secrets and/or insecurities.
By this day and age, virtually everyone knows that sex is about more than “just laying there” and that “missionary isn’t all there is…” The hard part is digging though all the junk and hurts and secrets of our pasts, letting go of all the shame, shyness and self-consciousness, to explore ourselves and one another like never before. Women want more fulfillment, while men want sex with greater frequency and variety. Somewhere in the middle, common ground exists.